I Think I Coined the Phrase “Soft Control”

Mikal Britt, Behaviorist for 10+ years

Sometimes you have to let kids do things that might make you nervous. You have to take chances and experiment if you want to see growth. Another way to say this is “helping by not helping”, which sounds counterintuitive, or maybe even like an excuse. But in many cases, it is the only way to help someone get over the next hurdle.

Whether a therapist, caregiver, or parent, we are often too concerned with controlling our kid’s every move and word. A lot of this is because we are afraid of society’s reactions if we let our kid get “out of control”. But I say, let them get out of control! Sometimes! I think there is a lot to be gained by loosening up, or keeping a cautious distance.

As a behavior therapist, and in my personal life, I am not into the concept of controlling other people. I lean more towards strong guidance and creating boundaries, while leaving room for freedom and self-expression. I call this “soft control”.

All kids, whether NTs (nuerotypicals) or on the spectrum, learn best when there is sincerity, trust, and respect at the core of the teacher-student relationship. So, for example, let’s take a boy who likes to shout things whenever he enters the school library. The more you get mad at him and yell at him and attempt to punish him, the more he will continue the cycle of the behavior. He is doing this because you are trying to control him and he is fighting against that control. Or he is doing it because he enjoys getting the reactions. Either way, rather than trying to make him stop, you remove access to the library. You spend a day or a week reviewing and role-playing the proper way to enter the library. Then you return to the library, this time reminding the boy about self-control, letting him know that you trust him, you believe in him, and he will be rewarded if he can conduct himself properly. So the responsibility is clearly on him, and not on you, the caregiver. You let him walk into the library by himself. And what will happen? The boy will probably shout when he enters the library. Only this time, no reactions. Very simply and concretely, access to the library becomes restricted again. And again, you review all the appropriate rules and replacements, and in a week or a day, you guys try it again. And you keep trying. Because now you are not preventing him from doing something. Instead you are letting him do something, which of course may result in a success or failure. By allowing him to learn to fix his own behavior, you are helping him build confidence, he feels empowered.

Allowing kids to test things and try things (in a safe environment) is also a good opportunity for the world to practice reacting to unexpected behaviors. Maybe I’ll let a client try to return a library book by herself, even though I know she might not wait in line properly, or she might walk away before the transaction is complete. But if I return the book for her every time, or if I’m always telling her what to do every step of the way, she will never learn. If she messes up waiting in line, I allow another student to correct her. And if she walks away before the transaction is complete, I allow the librarian to correct her. Allowing a situation like this to unfold without interfering as usual helps not only the client, but also allows a chance for the rest of the world to confront and react to autism. Sometimes it is more helpful to tell other people how to respond to a behavior, than it is to tell the person with autism how to behave.

Creating boundaries is a great way to “allow” inappropriate behaviors. For example, a boy who loves to curse. The boy is 13 years old, everyone around him is cursing. There is no way you are going to control or prevent cursing. But you can put it in a box and fence it in. So rather than telling this boy that he is not allowed to curse, you tell him when and where he is allowed to curse. He can curse in the locker room, he can curse at lunch, etc. By doing this, you are honoring and respecting his teenage need to curse. You are validating him as a person and creating a respect and a rapport. Allowing behaviors – defining when and where they can occur – is more effective than trying to completely eradicate them.

Another example is a boy who cannot stay in his seat. And whenever he gets up, an adult redirects him to his seat. But then the boy runs away and the adult chases after. Rather than trying to force him to stay in his seat, allow him to get up. Don’t chase him. Teach him when he can get up (let’s say once per half hour). And then you trust him to return to his seat. Instead of a whole disruptive episode of running and chasing and correcting, you have built a new relationship of trust that allows the child to get up and run in a more reasonable and non-disruptive way. You are honoring his need to run. Obviously, if he is getting up too much or running away and not coming back, then he loses his privilege and freedom. After a period of time, he can regain this freedom.

If a kid wants to talk to me during class, I can teach him to whisper to me. This is a more effective skill than simply telling him NO TALKING. I am not shutting him down; I am merely adjusting him. Granted, he might forget and talk too loud again. But I still believe that learning to self-monitor voice volume is better than teaching him to shut up.

And it is through this kind of soft-control that we can teach self-control. This is how we prevent ourselves from being a lifelong crutch rather than a temporary helper. We must allow the opportunity to fail. Within this failure, we are creating infinite chances to succeed. As we create boundaries for the child, the child will learn the concept of boundaries, and might even start applying them on his or her own. Since many kids on the spectrum are very rule-based, boundaries can be extremely effective. Allowing something, but within reason. Because really, it’s all about moderation. We don’t live in a strict world anymore.