6 Qualities I Learned from My Clients

Mikal Britt, Behaviorist for 10+ years

NOTE: I write purely from personal experience, so any of my comments and ideas about people on the spectrum are my own theories and ideas, not necessarily based on scientific data.

We’ve all heard the expression “the student is the real teacher”, right? Well it is true. It is very very true. Below is a list of the six qualities I have learned from my clients over the years.
1) Patience Building:
This is the most obvious one, but it’s also the truest one. Let me be blunt for a moments and say – sometimes as a therapist, I get tired of hearing, “oh that must be so rewarding”, after I tell someone what I do. On bad days I think, “no, it’s not rewarding – it’s difficult and challenging, it’s both psychologically and emotionally draining”. But on good days, I know from a very deep, core internal place – it is rewarding. And one of these rewards is the lesson it can teach about patience.
With some clients, I reach the “I’ve tried everything” wall. Or sometimes it’s simply a very bad day and the client is being relentlessly stubborn about something. Perhaps both myself and the client have already lost our tempers at different points. But right as I’m about to give up, I realize, “wait, I have to win this thing with patience”, which actually is a different form of giving up. It’s an aggressive form of giving up. An aggressive patience. A dominating patience. A kind of patience that allows you to be the one in control of the situation. This is something that can’t be taught through books and lectures
So I slow my breathing, I lower my tone and volume, I ease the tension in all my muscles. Reset. My patience is stronger than any behavior my client is exhibiting.
And like a client generalizing a behavior or skill, the patience learned on the job can be expanded to all life situations – the next time you are stuck in traffic, when you are waiting to hear back from an important message, when the food is taking forever at a restaurant and you’re starving. The list is endless.
With this kind of deep patience, you can become lighter and life can feel easier.
2) Pure Joy:
By “pure joy” I mean the ability to laugh hysterically about something that is basically pure nonsense. Sometimes a client is doing something really funny, but I have to act serious for the sake of the situation. Other times, a client might be laughing about something that makes no sense – or at least it makes no sense to me. My favorite times are when the laughter is intensely raw and pure and deep and personal. I can tell with this kind of unfiltered laughter, the client is accessing something that is extremely internal, something unaffected by the outside world. Seeing this kind of laughter is probably my favorite thing about my job.
Sometimes I allow myself to just laugh with the client. I let go. I try to laugh about what they are laughing about – it might be a picture that may or may not be traditionally funny; it might be the way someone moved their hand or some other equally casual gesture. It might be the sound of a character’s voice in a movie; it might be the way someone’s feet moved in a particular scene from a video.
And suddenly the two of us are both laughing, hardcore cracking up, on the verge of tears, egging each other on – a serious case of the giggles. This kind of release can be as cathartic as crying.
3) Empathy For Others:
Seeing someone with autism or other behavior problems can sometimes be frustrating or embarrassing, especially when I feel like it is my job to control them. But this embarrassment or frustration will simply melt away when I realize the other person simply cannot control their behavior. The person cannot control their body and their words. It is not a malicious behavior, it is not attention-seeking; it is a real uncontrollable impulse, like a sneeze or a bad cough. This is not true all the time – of course, some behaviors are for attention or ulterior/manipulative motives. But when I notice that the behavior(s) are really out of the person’s control, a kind of intense empathy is cultivated inside me.
I begin to be thankful for simple things – like how it is easy for me to be quiet and sit still during a movie. I begin to realize that not everyone is built the same way. Sometimes I see someone on the lower functioning side of spectrum who needs assistance doing a daily living task like showering or going to the bathroom. This always makes me overcome with empathy.
During my first summer working with kids on the spectrum, I worked with a boy who needed help using the toilet. On one hand, I will admit, it was kind of gross. But on the other hand, my heart opened up. This kid needed me. I did not have the option of saying no. And when putting someone else’s needs before my own, I was able to learn empathy.
Anytime I see a kid struggling or behaving poorly, before I react, I try to put myself in their shoes and imagine their life. Empathy is like a muscle that gets stronger and stronger the more you use it and recognize it. And my job as a behavior therapist gives me many opportunities to explore and think about empathy.
4) Precision Of Words:
One of the most important parts of being a behavior therapist is knowing when to stop talking. Often times, people use too many words or explain something to death.
It’s also important to choose your words wisely. Don’t use figurative language and idioms. Try to be as clear and simple as possible. I often see parents talking a kid’s ear off, trying to make them understand a behavior. And I can see the kid has stopped listening and understanding five minutes ago.
When dealing with kids on the spectrum, you must make your point quickly and clearly in order to be effective. Becoming aware of word choice is useful in all aspects of life, but especially important when dealing with autism.
People are guilty of talking too much all the time. Sometimes I see this amongst couples, over-analyzing something until they don’t even know what they are talking about anymore. Know when to shut up. Be clear with your words. Don’t speak in riddles. A clear message is about quality not quantity.
5) How To Be Less Self-Conscious:
There are times when I’m at a party or other social function and I start to feel uncomfortable. I feel self-conscious, I don’t know who to talk to, what to say, where to stand, how to act. In these moments, I try to remember some of the kids I’ve worked with. I guess I am speaking more about many of the “low functioning” kids. Because these kids usually operate with very little awareness of other people or what other people might think of them. And the thing is – I find that to be beautiful.
I wish I didn’t care what people think. I wish I could not worry, not get embarrassed. I remember some of the kids I have worked with who are so locked in their own world that they appear to lack any cares or concerns about anything other than their own internal state. Obviously, the goal of most of our support and therapy is to help pull kids out of their world. Which is necessary. But there is also a quiet beauty to many of their internal worlds. And when I remember that, I free myself up.
I remember that everyone is weird, everyone is unique, myself included. Having spent a lot of time with kids doing odd behaviors in public has trained me into not care what other people think. It’s taught me that we are all just trying to do the best we can and I am no more important than anyone else and there are people with bigger problems and challenges than anything I am personally dealing with.
So when I’m at an awkward party and I remember this stuff, I am suddenly able to loosen up and not care so much. And then I can simply enjoy myself.
6) The Value Of Routines
When I was younger, I hated routines. I found them to be constricting and boring. I wanted to be a spontaneous free spirit, and I was. But as a got older and spent more time with kids on the spectrum, I learned that routines are actually liberating and soothing. Routines balance life. They help ensure that everything that needs to get done does get done. They actually give you more free time.
The routines I create with my clients help them navigate through life. And similarly, I have created routines in my own life that help me from week to week.
I never would’ve imagined this would be one of the side effects of working as a behavior therapist, but I am glad that it is. Because I love my routines and I think I would be lost without them.
So thank you to all the amazing clients I have worked with!! They have taught me more wisdom than I ever could’ve imagined!!
Even in my darkest moments, I try to remember – what can I learn from this?